Catching Up

Well, blogger friends I know it's been quite a while. I miss you dearly. I miss myself dearly. Ha ha ha. SO what have the Howarth's been up to? Short story: A LOT! I have about a billion pics I could post but that's not going to happen because doing so irritates me. I don't like the way it works on blogger.

Let's see...the biggest change in the life of our family is that I now have a part-time job outside the home. After months of prayer and weighing of pros and cons we decided to take a leap of faith trusting this was what God wanted for our family. I have a passion for families to grow closer to Jesus so being placed in charge of directing our Children's Ministry at FHPC is right up my alley. Now that the initial craziness of the spring quarter (my first official day of work was Easter Sunday!) is over and done with and with graduations behind us, I am able to take it all in.

It's really cool because before being approached by leadership about the position I never would have thought I was cut out for this --I mean I started with leading young adults in college ministry and moved up to planning large events for adults during my time at The Rock. But in the journey to accepting the position, the Lord showed me otherwise. I had no idea that all my education, training, and classroom experience with young children would be used by God in the future. For those of you who don't know, I was a Liberal Studies major at SDSU for 4 years and had one semester left before finishing up that degree when I had a sudden freak-out and basically started over in order to earn my degree in psychology. So what I thought was one of those colossal waste-of-my-time screw-ups is actually being used by God in this new season of life. Very exciting indeed.

Working outside of the home has definitely been a challenge and an adjustment, though. I finally realized that somehow throughout our journey with Cayla I kind of became a hermit. Not only did I feel isolated because of what we were going through but I just couldn't physically take the kids as many places with an enormous belly. It also got to be too much to explain to people that the baby they were asking about wasn't going to make it. Not that I didn't want to think or talk about it (because it's actually healing to do so) but some days I just didn't know how I was going to make it through the day without completely losing it. So having something that requires me to be with other adults (LOVE IT!) and to be using the gifts and passion God has given me for ministry and leading children and their families closer to Jesus has been great.

Great, but not easy. Suddenly I had to worry about childcare and waking up at 5 am on some mornings just to make it out the door with everyone dressed and fed. And then the guilt of not being "available" to my family every.single.minute. of the day. I mean, c'mon--it's 15 hours per week and very flexible. I work when Eden's in school and when Joe is home so he can watch Jonas. And if that doesn't work out perfectly on some weeks, Jonas ends up with another family member (thanks, Kathy, Leslie, Debbie and Cindy!) or sometimes a trusted nursery worker who has known Jonas since his first week in the church's nursery. It's not like our kids are being farmed out so I don't know why I feel so bad sometimes. Don't get me wrong (don't laugh, Debby Andrews!) there are some weeks when 15 hours just doesn't cut it and I end up having to work a little extra to get the job done. I actually got in "trouble" for working too many hours. Talk about a true loving and life-giving environment/great leadership to work under! I've NEVER heard that one before! I do miss the freedom I had to be more spontaneous with my plans but I'm getting used to that, too. It's all good.

We took a trip to Yosemite at the end of May/beginning of June. It was a great trip but not so relaxing. 5 days in the wilderness with two little kids who still have all the needs they have at home but with less to accommodate those needs and add to that a lack of personal space and imminent danger was exhausting. But we're convinced our yearly trips to Yosemite are important for our family and each year it gets easier. Last year was way harder; I was 8 months pregnant (measuring 4o weeks already), Jonas wasn't walking (crawling babies and dirt mixed with Lord knows what don't mix--at least when you're a germaphobe like me!) and add the weight of knowing it was the only time Cayla was going to be with us --you can just imagine.

Some of you know that we had intended to spread Cayla's ashes during this year's trip. Well, we didn't. We weren't ready for some reason; we weren't entirely sure what we were supposed to be "getting" out of it and weren't sure it was the right timing. Once they're gone, they're gone --so why rush?

All in all I just rest in the fact that God is faithful. It's still not easy; it's been grief mixed with the highs and lows in important relationships with friends and family, sad endings, new beginnings, wading through self-doubt and acceptance that I'm not in control. Bummed and unmotivated one second and ready to take on the world (and myself!) the next. Often allowing myself to wallow and brood, if just for a second, over my perceived (and most probably self-instigated) isolation from friends.

The Kids

Alright, they are growing up. Eden no longer resembles the tot with baby chub at the knees and cheeks --she is through and through a little girl now with long, wavy, flowing hair that she fights over with me every morning as to how it should be styled. Thankfully she still loves to snuggle with us and instead of locking our door at night, we leave it open knowing some day she won't want to have anything to do with us. I can't believe she is almost 4 years old. We only have one more year before Kindergarten for crying out loud!

Jonas is such a little man. He is ridiculously skilled with balls but even more notable is his budding capacity for language. I forgot how fast they begin to string sentences together! Seriously one day they're not saying more than two words and the next full sentences! He is SO ridiculously adorable that it's almost too much for me to even look at him without my heart fluttering. He just kills me with his little husky man voice (that's most times no more than a whisper) and that one dimple on his left cheek. He's caught on to Eden's mischievous ways, though. Those two can wreak havoc on this house (and my psyche!) in about 2.5 seconds if I don't watch them close enough. Jonas' name is a derivative of Jonah, which means "dove", which translates to "peace maker." Uhhh some days yes and some days not so much! Let's just say he really likes to use physical means to assert his disapproval in certain situations. Eden already knows all the right buttons to push...

Pictures

Eden in front of Cayla's Garden on Easter

Jonas at park on swing with Daddy pushing him.

Eden helping me cook dinner with her special "Masemite" apron.

Dinnertime!

Jonas found his pockets for the first time.

Eden helping herself to the pancake batter.

Snow day!

Jonas playing peekaboo during our picnic just before heading up to Bridalveil Falls

Eden hamming it up in Curry Village

Adorable little whities!

Eden with her walking stick on our way to Lower Yosemite Falls.

Family pic on hike.

This is how tired Jonas was when we got home from our trip. Poor guy didn't even make it back into bed.