The truth is that I've been really busy for one, but also just trying to figure out life. I went to a women's retreat this weekend and while there, I realized that I've been fighting God in one particular area. Okay, here goes: secretly I've been waiting and hoping for the morning I'd wake up and POOF! I'm back to "normal." No sadness. No willing myself to get out of bed. No short temper. No confusion. Just to have one minute in the life of Carly before Cayla.
I realized that a lot of the time I was pregnant I just kept thinking, "I just can't wait until this is all over so I can get on with life." Well, somehow I got the idea in my mind that I would just pick up where we left off. Like once Cayla was gone I'd be able to just forget about it and move on as if nothing had happened. Sucks to be me --that's not how it works. The bigger realization is that I've been scared out of my mind to "lose myself." I've had moments of sheer terror when it occurs to me that I may never be the same again. Does that mean I'm always going to be sad? Always going to be broken? The prospect of that made me so weary.
So I was holding on to the person I thought I was as if that was the best choice. Then it hit me: I'm supposed to always be changing and turning more and more into the woman that God wants me to be. I wasn't finished yet then and I'm certainly not now. I don't have to be afraid because God is using this to refine me. How glorious that realization was! No matter what season I'm in, God is still God. I don't want to be who I was before. I'm okay with being a "work in progress." However, most of you who know me at all know that I'm really not the most patient person. I'll keep having to remind myself that this season may take longer than hoped but I'm so glad I have Jesus to carry me through. Here's my favorite song right now (don't rip yourself off --listen to the whole thing):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WYK6TxWX7s
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11 comments:
Good to hear from you..and for the record, I always read everything you have to say :) Great post!
Count me in as another faithful reader :) Keep on writing....
I also enjoy reading your blog. :)
I always read everything too :) And coincidentally I just checked your blog last night to see if you ahd posted anything new! I was missing it! Thanks for sharing this- it was beautiful as usual :)
Your words touch my heart with so much joy....you are a gift from God and He never makes mistakes...even in the depth of death He is still there, wanting the best for His children....go forward with Him, don't miss one day to be in the center of His will. God has blessed you already so greatly....much love, Kathy
Carly, your words are very encouraging. I needed to hear that as well! Thanks for sharing :)!!
It'd be nice if we could just go back to how things were but having our children changed us. You said it wonderfully. We are always changing in God so we can't expect to stay the same forever.
Carly -
I read your blog often. You touched my life and my faith in God more than your will ever know. As I saw you in those last weeks of your pregnancy, I was in awe of how strong you were and what a peace you had about Cayla and her impending birth. On the night that sweet Cayla was born I will never forget the immense sense of love and God's presence in the room that night. Sweet Cayla is a precious gift from God and I will never forget her or your family.
Your Triage Nurse :)
Yes, I know the feeling and fear of being "forever changed." I sometimes experience a feeling of dread, thinking, "Will these feelings ever go away?" I've come to recognize them as anxiety, and I'm learning to just hand them over to God...again. For me, those feelings do go away. And then they come back, and then they go away. And that's probably just how its going to be. But thanks for the reminder that God is using even that for His glory as long as I keep handing it over! Love you ~
those that know and love you have literally seen you change. you ARE continually being transformed into His image, and really carly we all see it, even when you don't. i am so blessed to have been with you (although sporadically) through this journey, b/c my faith has been challenged by your's and joe's. God is very pleased with how you are allowing Him to work in and through you!
Carly, I heard of your loss from my sister-in-law, Melissa, months ago and since then I have prayed for you often. I'm so sorry you have to go through each day without your baby girl.
Since my husband and I lost our firstborn son at term in May, life has been about adjusting to a new normal and learning to be okay with not being okay...it's in that tension between the pain of loss and a trust that God has a purposeful design for our lives that growth occurs. While grief is definitely a journey, I'm finally at a point where I can look back over the past year and see measurable healing. Time is a healer, and God is faithful to make us whole again.
I'll keep praying for your family!
Much Love -
Courtney
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