Hard Times Call For Drastic Measures...Or Ice Cream!

This week has been especially hard for me emotionally. Joe and I have been working really hard to get ready for Cayla's memorial and it's exhausting on all fronts. On the one hand, I'm really excited about finally having a set day to honor her and say goodbye. But it's also shoving reality into my face: we are missing a person in this house. YES I know she is more alive now than she ever would be in this world but I want my baby. I want to hold her, feed her, change her diapers, hear her cry, see her first smile, hear her first word, read her a book, sing her to sleep.

I went to 9 stores today to try to get all the running around done for the memorial. Normally I love to shop. I mean, I'm so good at it! And anytime I get to spend money without feeling guilty is especially fun. But it was crowded today. People were rude. And all I could think was, "Man, I'm doing all this because my child is dead." Made me wonder what the other people I came into contact with are dealing with. If we could just see behind everyone's eyes we'd have a lot more compassion, I think.

I'm pretty much the person who can fight back tears and put a smile on her face because I know my life ain't so bad. I know what it's like to be homeless, hungry or depressed and terribly afflicted. "Suck it up and get the job done" I had to say to myself all day. Thank the Lord I am safe with him. It's not only okay for me to be upset, He welcomes my tears. I matter to him. My hurts, my fears, my anger all have a voice. He listens. He comforts. He restores. And he blesses me with ice cream, which I will be eating after I'm done with this post. So much for the Biggest Loser Challenge. Sorry, friends (you know who you are) but this week I'm falling off the wagon. I'll be back to the healthy diet and exercise regiment NEXT week. :)