So a lot has happened since Cayla was born. We have hard days and hard parts of days but most of the time we’re pretty happy. We joined a grief support group through hospice called Shattered Dreams. It’s specifically for parents who have lost an infant. The other members of the group are really nice and we seem to be able to share openly. It’s been nice to have others to talk with who have been through losing a baby. I just don’t understand this grief stuff. I mean one minute I’m totally fine and the next I feel so confused. I get sad but my main problem seems to be all the confusion. Things like remembering what time school starts for Eden, what to get at the store, who I’ve called back and who I sent a thank-you card to just totally escape my mind. Not to worry, though –the true Carly is still alive and true: I have lists that keep track of all these things. Problem is I can’t find them all the time! I’ve had a few days that chances are if the kids didn’t tell me they were hungry I’d probably have forgotten to feed them. It’s been really humbling for me to have to admit I’m not okay sometimes. It was the weirdest/scariest thing for me to realize that I just may not be able to do all the things I’m used to doing all the time. Even the easiest things seem to take me a really long time to finish because I get so distracted. Very frustrating for me. Thankfully that’s not all the time and is getting better and better. My house is clean and mostly organized and I’ve been cooking meals regularly like old times. Easing into the “new normal” is pretty nice, that’s for sure. I’m really tired of the floating feeling that comes from feeling like I don’t have a purpose every day.
We have finally decided on plans for Cayla’s memorial service (today, actually!). We are going to have it on Saturday, January 30 at our house so everyone can see Cayla’s garden. Anyone who would like to be there is invited. We are so thankful for all the love and support we’ve received and do realize so many others are grieving with us. Hopefully having a service/garden dedication will kind of help us all to move on a little more towards healing. We have been working hard on the yard getting everything ready and it’s been nice to have a big project to work on. It’s really amazing how fast your yard can get away from you when you don’t weed or prune for a few months!
Jonas and Eden have been having a blast playing together. Jonas is finally walking (actually running now!) so he is getting better at keeping up with her. But they’ve also started the sibling fighting stuff, too. Conflict management has been coming into conversations more and more.
Jonas has decided that he will no longer be taking any of Eden’s crap and it’s really funny to watch her finally get some paybacks for stealing toys away from him. For the most part, though, they are sweet to one another. Eden always shares her food and treats with him. After Jonas realizes she’s eating something he goes up to her and signs, “More, please” while saying “Mmmmmm” and she says, “Oh, all right. Here you go, brother.” They’re always giving hugs and kisses and Eden also enjoys pushing him around in his little car –that is until she decides to kick him out so she can have a turn.
You all know how funny and smart Eden is already and nothing has changed. Jonas on the other hand is changing daily! He’s starting to talk more and in the last few days has started nodding yes or no when we ask him questions. I love it! “Jonas, do you need a diaper change?” (then comes the nod). He’ll even tell us if he wants to go to bed. He’s definitely NOT Eden when it comes to communicating but he’s getting by. He’s at least trying to say every word we ask him to say. Jonas is also starting to sit still long enough to read a book. FINALLY!!!!!! Of course while looking at all the pictures he looks for anything that resembles a ball so he can say, “BALL!” Jonas has an obsession with balls. Mostly footballs. All the skills he lacks in communication so far have definitely been made up with his amazing ability to throw, catch, kick and recognize sports on the T.V. He even says, “Hike Hike!” That’s daddy’s little man.
Oh, I almost forgot! Eden decided she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart all on her own accord. I was making the bed when she came up to me and asked me how to get Jesus into her heart and asked me why we should follow him and what following Him means. She said the sinner’s prayer and that was it. We’ve prayed with her every day her whole life and have done our best to teach her God’s Word. Now we can really look at it from the perspective of helping her to cultivate her relationship with Jesus and not just giving her information. It was pretty uneventful but also so huge. It also couldn’t have come at a better time –she was in one of those “growth spurts” all of us with toddlers and preschoolers know all too well. You know, the ones where they decide they’re going to push every button, cross every line and do it with outright defiance just to see how far they can get. Somehow this happening when I was at my wits’ end with her helped my heart to soften a bit. Preschool has really been a tool for survival lately! :)
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4 comments:
love you carly, and your little family. i enjoyed crying with you at brandi's memorial for amanda!
Those pictures are AWESOME! Especially the "baby buns" one :) Great post - glad to have you back!
SUCH an awesome post!!! and great pics. Carly, you're one of the best moms in the world...i'm fully convinced. LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Most of the time we're pretty happy too with the occasional hard day or moment. Life is more normal and I'm ok with that.
That is so wonderful that Eden asked Jesus in to her heart!
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