In a Funk

Just finished watching the live stream of the U2 concert on YouTube. Once I got past the bitterness creeping up inside like heartburn because I wasn't actually there in real life, it was amazing. Actually, maybe even more amazing than being there. I mean, I didn't have to wait 6 hours in traffic to get out of there, I got to see the band closer up than the people there (nice...I heart Edge) got to sit in my cozy chair in front of my outrageously huge computer screen eating brownies and ice cream, and I got to cry uninhibited. Okay, there's nothing better than actually being there. These are the things you tell yourself to get over things like this.

Yes, that's right. I was crying. Like a baby. See, my theme song if you will over the last few months has been U2's "Walk On." Actually, pretty much the whole album (All You Can't Leave Behind) has been my jam. And a good amount of the songs they played tonight were off this album. So it was extra enjoyable from that perspective. Another thing to be excited about was that two of my friends that served alongside me in college ministry actually got to go on stage during “my” song. I am so proud of them and the work they are doing to help the people in Asia. So that made me extra weepy.

I was blown away by how I could tell how much Bono loves Jesus by the way he carries himself, his passion, their lyrics, his transparency and joy, and the way he inspires people to put others before themselves. The fact that this can be conveyed even through the computer is amazing. My favorite quote of the night (last line of a song, then another added sentence at the end) was, “Blessings not just for the ones who kneel, thankfully. Luckily. Luckily we don’t believe in luck…grace abounds!”

The crying was also just a release of everything pent-up inside me. At church today I was in such a funk I didn’t even want to sing. I was battling with my flesh, really. I realized that I am dealing with the same crap I always seem to be dealing with and that really made me angry. Do you ever think that something you struggle with is finally dealt with and then some time later it bursts its ugly head through the ground leaving you paralyzed or at least stunned and confused? Ugh I am so tired of this! And the thing that triggered it isn’t even the problem…I mean, I know it’s me! It’s my issue, not anyone else’s. So I can’t even blame anyone for it :)

It’s so weird. The thing that has gotten me through life the last 4-5 months is that I KNOW God loves me. I KNOW he knows what’s best and I KNOW everything that happens is not a surprise to him. Most importantly, I know these things have always been true, are true now, and will be in the future regardless of what I do/don’t do/wish I did, etc. In other words, I didn’t earn any of it. Free gift, baby.

Well, the issue is trust. And then I realize that the reason I have a hard time with trusting people is not just that I’ve been burned so many times…the root of it is that I struggle with being loved. There’s always a part of me that feels unlovable. That once that part is out that all that love will just walk away from me. So when will being loved by God be enough for me?

Back to the concert...and the crying…seeing the concert made me hopeful and inspired to “walk on.” I hope people can look at my life someday and feel God’s love without me even having to open my mouth.

Romans 5:1-5

1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Lyrics to “Walk On”

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing....
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme.