Cayla Annyse

We got home from the hospital last night. Leaving her there was the hardest thing Joe and I have ever done. She was so beautiful. We spent a little over 12 hours holding and loving her and then decided it was time to let her little body go. She was born at 2:31 AM and lived for about an hour before going to be with Jesus. Praise God we got some time with her alive. She made no noises, didn't move her eyes or kick her legs, but she did squeeze my finger. So weird to me that she didn't at least kick her legs because even as I was pushing her out I could feel her kicking me.

Everything happened just the way we hoped: I went into labor spontaneously, it went pretty fast, we were surrounded by loved ones and they were there to welcome her, too. She came into the world with a party of people who couldn't wait to hold her, love her, pray for her. Labor was pretty peaceful. I got an epidural at 7 cm's. My water was broken a couple hours later and she was out soon after. All that water I had in there served a great purpose in creating the pressure to help me dilate. She weighed 3 pounds, 9 ounces and was 15 1/4 inches long.

She looked a lot like her big sister Eden - perfect little rose-bud lips, cute little chin, chubby little cheeks, blue eyes and a perfect little nose. The back of her head was really nothing I expected...she had a lot of flesh in there. For whatever reason I thought it would be somewhat hollow and misshapen but it was actually pretty round. Everything else on her body was absolute perfection in size and shape. I've never seen feet that cute and little, her little hands had such perfect little fingers.

At the time she came out all I could think was, "How in the world am I going to be able to let them take her away from me?" but as the hours went on and she started steadily turning purple, cold and her limbs more and more stiff and hard to move it became obvious that she wasn't there anymore. Her perfectly petite body no longer had her spirit in it and it became harder for me to hold her.

The first person to hold her after Joe and me was Eden. It was the sweetest meeting I've ever witnessed (and most heart-breaking, I might add). She was so excited to see her baby sister. She couldn't stop caressing her little chubby cheeks and giving her little hugs and kisses. While holding her she said she had doll clothes she wanted to put on her. I reminded her that Cayla wasn't coming home and that she was going to Heaven. She said, "Already?? Oh, I will miss her. That means I won't get to see her for a really long time." She also sang Cayla "Jesus Loves Me" and then as Eden and Jonas were leaving the room Eden gave Cayla one last kiss and said sadly, "I'll see you in Heaven."

I thank God for answering my prayers for physical relief at the time He did. I was so very tired and in so much pain from the weight of all that extra fluid. I was also ready to let Cayla go. She is now in the arms of Jesus in her new body and is truly "unblemished" in his presence. I miss her desperately and can't get the image of her little body out of my mind and know the healing process is going to be long and hard but I also know we're not alone.

When I get things together, I'll post pics and maybe some video, too.

Love, Carly