First Perinatal Appointment

Well, it wasn't that bad.  The perinatologist was very respectful and didn't try to sway us one way or the other as to what she thought we should do with our baby (induce now or try to go to term).  She said that in her opinion, she thought the pregnancy would most likely go to term and that the baby would be born alive, if for only a few minutes.  All her organs and other body parts look completely normal, except her head so she doesn't expect us to have any problems.  She does have a slightly deformed facial structure, specifically the eye sockets.  Unfortunately, our baby will not look completely normal; she'll most likely have a thin face with bulgy eyes.  

Just as in any pregnancy, there is risk of preeclampsia and toxemia but I will be monitored closely and if this does happen, I will have to be induced or my health/life will be at risk.  I also have extra amniotic fluid built up and that is because baby doesn't have the ability to swallow the amniotic fluid (babies with normal development swallow it).  We were told this will make me larger (I am already measuring as if I were 25 weeks along and I'm only 20) than normal and could trigger pre-term labor, and in our case wouldn't do anything to stop it.   

The perinatologist also said that there is no need for us to be under her care (unless we feel like we want her to) since the pregnancy should be pretty normal, except for the fact that it won't have the same outcome.

As you can imagine, this week has been full of ups and downs.  A few days ago I was resigned to just going in and giving birth to our baby as soon as possible.  But as I thought and prayed more about it I was not at peace with that decision, especially because Joe wasn't so keen on the idea.  Something he said really resonated with me, "If we believe God is who he says he is, then there's no reason for us to intervene.  He says he can get us through anything, and He will."  Both of us agreed that we didn't feel comfortable being the ones who made the final call as to the timing of our baby's departure from Earth.  

Then came Sunday.  The presence of God had so fully encircled me that I couldn't help but get a sense that he was telling us that we would wait for our baby to come out on His timing and that He would get us through it.  However, the thought of dealing with this for what could be up to 5 months and then having to start the mourning process all over again was still overwhelming for me.  

Late Sunday night I spent some time going over the last year of blog posts and realized just how fast the year has gone and that in the scheme of things, 5 months is nothing.  A year from now we'll look back and think just how fast everything went.  Then I started to get sad that we won't have adorable pictures from every stage of our baby's life and realized just how short a time we do have with her.  This is the only time we will have with this baby.  Her life matters to us.  She isn't an accident.  We don't know why God knit her together like this but we do know there's a reason and it's okay if we never know this side of Heaven.  We know her life and death will have an impact on others.  Although we've been told there's no potential for life, the potential her story can have on people's hearts is immeasurable.  

There are still a lot of unknowns, such as:

1. When she'll be born.  My hope is still on the sooner side of 5 months, but we'll see how it goes.  

2. Whether or not she'll be alive when she's born.  

3. If she is born alive, how long she'll be with us and what that's going to be like...will she die peacefully or die gasping for air or have seizures (Joe could hold her through that but I don't know if I could handle that). 

4. Whether or not we can donate some of her organs (if she's born alive).  The perinatologist said she would talk to the neonatologist to find out.  

5. The toll this is going to take on our family.  So far it has united us but I am a little concerned that in our sorrow we become isolated from one another.  Please pray against that.

6. What her birth-day is going to look like --who will be there, how many pictures we'll take, who will be in charge of taking the pictures, what we'll dress her in, etc. etc.  

Okay, so for now life in the Howarth household will run like normal.  Of course with a little twist since we know the life we've been preparing to bring home with us won't be coming home. Joe and I thank you for your offers to bring us dinner and watch our kids.  Believe me, when we need those things we will definitely take you up on the offer!  For now we are okay but are expecting that there will be times when we need more time for each other and need someone to take the kids.  And pretty much anytime anyone wants to come over and hang out with us, you're welcome to!  I expect that after the birth of the baby is when we'll need more physical and emotional support.  Please, please, please remember us in your prayers always!  

Okay, I have to go snuggle with Eden now.  Love to all.  

Carly